Dating

It's funny what people will ask you when you're a self-professed "open book." Every once in a while, you get a question that makes you stop and think....and think....and think...and think. It's not an uncommon occurrence for people to ask me when I'm going to start dating again. I always give the same answer, "Not yet." (Mind you, there is usually a joke thrown in there. We are talking about me, after all.) However, I recently got the question I didn't expect. This question was "Why don't you want to date?" On the surface, it's an easy answer. There just aren't enough hours in the day. I'm a single, working mother, and all my free time is devoted to my daughter. But as I lay awake this morning in the dawn hours, I thought, "Well, that's part of it, but that's not all of it."

So I'm going to give you the honest answer here to what the other part is. There's no joke to go along with this one...which is funny, because this would be the place I would generally throw one in. I hate exposing my sad emotions, but I've also learned that if I don't, I'll never grow and open myself to new experiences. So....the other reason I don't want to date yet is because....I'm not ready. I've been so busy thinking about other things that I never stopped to take a look at just how hard of a beating my heart took. It was so easy to be angry and spiteful, instead of acknowledging the feelings that I had, and still have, for Emma's father. Maybe it would be easier to hate him if I didn't love him so much. He and I shared something that I've never felt for anyone else....ever. And having that blow up in your face, whether it was due to a psychological condition or not, really hurts. It was more than just a broken heart, it broke all of me. Now that he's getting better (maybe, hopefully), I realize I have to come to terms with my emotions, so that I can be strong for my daughter, and strong for myself when it comes to him, or any other man that enters our lives.

I've definitely started to realize that my feelings for him will never go away, but I will never act on them again. There's too much at stake, and honestly, I don't think I could or want to recover from something like that ever again. So, until my little bruised heart is ready to take a chance on someone again, it's closed for business. This will be a good experience for me. It's been a long time since I've concentrated on something other than a romantic relationship. I already feel myself starting to understand what it is that I really want in a partner, and honestly, that's a first. So, Mr. Right, if you're reading this, you'll have to wait a little longer. But don't worry, I'm worth it.