FML - Fixing My Life

"Don't fix your life so that you are left alone right when you come to the middle of it." 

Let me just go ahead and admit that I'm a fan of the movie "The Object of My Affection." You know, with Jennifer Aniston and Paul Rudd, and he's gay, she's pregnant, and she falls in love with him. The plot is totally not the point of this blog, it's the quote. So back to that...

I've always really liked the quote, and I can say that up to this point, I've done just as the quote warns. I don't know why, it's just something I did. I made a point of NEVER, EVER dating anyone that it might actually work with. Mind you, I didn't think that's what I was doing, but later I always realized this was the case. There have only been 2 men that I can honestly say I loved, with all my heart. One cheated on me with a 17 year old (and ended up marrying her, funny enough), and the other handed me the biggest "F-U" I've ever received in my life by abandoning me and our daughter. Why is it that I only allowed myself to love people that had no problem taking my heart and running it through a shredder?

Now, I've always considered myself a wealth of self-esteem, so I don't think that's the problem. But I think it's more than just the "I like the bad boys" syndrome. Does it all stem from my first love breaking my heart? Is it the fact that my parents are normal, and have been married for 40 years? Did something happen to me when I was younger that I can't remember? The truth is, I don't know the answer, and I probably never will. Grand revelations are great, but they don't always happen.

What I can say is that since Emma has been in my life, my understanding of love has changed dramatically. She makes me want to be a good person for her; she makes me want to make good decisions for her; she makes me want to FIX MY LIFE. So that's what I'm trying to do. I'm taking time to identify what I'm really looking for in a partner, and what is really important to me. I'm trying to be a better friend, daughter, mother, and person. I'm repairing my broken relationship with God, and forgiving myself for things that I've done in the past. If I'm still in the same boat after I fix these things, well, then maybe it was meant to be just Emma and me. But all I know is that had I continued on the same path, I would've ended up alone for sure.