The Things People Say...

Since I had so much fun with my last blog post, I decided to do another "Five Things" theme. This time, it has nothing to do with single parenting, and everything to do with ridiculous things I've heard people say about parenting/relationships etc. And let me tell you, working at a University affords me the ability to walk behind students of ALL AGES and eavesdrop on their conversations, so I've heard some pretty ridiculous stuff. So, without further ado, here are "Five Ridiculous Things I Heard People Say." (*Disclaimer: I'm not talking specifically about anyone I know, so if it happens to fit your situation, well then, good for you, but I wasn't talking about you!)

1. "Ever since the baby came along, it's like I'm in a prison. I only get to go out twice a week now!"
Well, what did you think having a baby was going to be like? It's not like a kitten or a dog. You contributed your sperm to an egg and created a life. That means you are just as responsible as the mother of the child to look after and care for said child. It's not her responsibility to take care of the child 24 hours a day, although if that's really how you feel, maybe she'd be better off doing it without you anyway! You have a child now, so stop acting like one, grow up, and take responsibility. If you were concerned about your social life, maybe you should've worn a condom.

2. "Just because he cheated with me doesn't mean he'll cheat on me."
We've all heard me talk about this before. While there are the rare circumstances where someone meets the "right" person for them and decides not to cheat anymore, a majority of the time the behavior continues. If he's in a relationship when you meet him and he seems interested, perhaps if you wait around a little while and, gee I don't know, become friends with him before getting naked with him, he will end the relationship and begin a new one with you - one where he didn't cheat. Seems healthier, don't you think?

3. "You're going to spoil her."
This one is one of my favorites - referring to giving a baby too much love, attention, doting, etc. I had someone tell me that if I held my baby too much, I would make her needy. Really? I'm pretty sure she's a baby, and is by nature, needy. Far be it for me to question anyone else's parenting style (which is a personal choice, and I don't understand when it became okay for people to question yours...), but I think I know what my child needs better than you do. And hey, if I'm wrong, then I'll un-spoil her, capisce?

4. "They aren't listening."
I was watching an ex (I'm assuming) husband drop off his kids to his ex-wife in the parking lot this morning, and I happened to overhear their conversation. He was telling her the kids had been fed and what they did this weekend, and she said to him "I don't have time to listen to your s***. Just give me the diaper bag and get the f*** out of my face." All while strapping the toddler into her carseat and yelling for the older kid to put his g**-d*** seatbelt on already. Cute. The ex-husband tells her to stop talking like that because the kids are listening, and she replies to him "maybe you should've thought about that before you (insert explicit term for cheating here). I'm pretty sure they were listening, by the way.

5. "It's not you, it's me."
Translation: It's you. I'm just too nice to tell you that outright.

Five More Things...

A few days ago, a friend shared this blog with me, 5 Things NOT to Say to a Single Mother. I found it so thoroughly enjoyable, and I could relate to it so well, that five MORE things not to say suddenly popped into my head.(Let me preface this by saying that I know these comments are well-intentioned. That doesn't mean they sound any less ridiculous to a single mom. So if you've said any of these to me, I don't hold any ill will, I promise!)

6. "I'm practically a single mom!"
The key word here is "practically." Even if you are doing most of the work, or your husband works crazy hours, or you feel like he's never home, you're not a single mom. You have a backup. There's someone else to get up in the middle of the night, even if you won't let him. You're not a single mom unless you're a SINGLE MOM. I know you're just trying to relate, but it actually comes off sounding like you don't see the difference.

7. "So what's your story?"
Believe it or not, I get this one a lot. I guess when you're a single mom, everyone assumes that you have some great tale to go along with it. Let's face it, in my situation, I do have a story, but that doesn't mean that I want to share it with you right off the bat. In the same way that I wouldn't ask you "So how's your relationship with your husband?" five minutes after meeting you, it's appreciated if you wait until I want to share my story with you. And I will, I promise.

8. "Can you work late today?"
This sucks for any mom, but for a single mom it sucks double. Especially when you are asked at 4:55. While my child is not in daycare, that still means I have to ask my already-exhausted caregivers (aka parents) to stay a little while longer, thus ruining the chances of asking them to babysit one night this week so I can go shopping without the baby. So, no. I can't work late. And don't look at me like I'm crazy. You knew I was a single mom when you hired me.

9. "You look tired."
Again, no mom really wants to hear this, but I feel like most single moms are legitimately more tired than other moms (I'm not saying single moms are better, just more tired). I can tell you, unequivocally, that yes, I am tired. I have a toddler. Toddlers are adorably cute and require an immense amount of energy and patience...usually more than one person has in them. And I can't tell her to go bother daddy for a little while, because she doesn't know what a "daddy" is.

10. "You're better off."
Probably. I know you're just trying to be supportive, but when you say that to me as I'm standing in line at the grocery store and my child is screaming and knocking all the candy off the shelf, I sometimes second guess that. Also, I may be better off, but that doesn't mean I'm necessarily happy about it. Come to think of it, I never say this phrase to anyone, let alone a single mom. You probably know better than I do if you're better off or not, so I'll leave it to you!

These are not complaints, they are merely pointers. Again, we know you mean well, just keep these pointers in mind. We just want to be treated like normal people - although I don't know anyone normal, single parent or not, so treat us like you treat your other weird friends!

I Hate Father's Day

I know my posts are usually more positive than this one will be. So before you read it, please remember: I AM HAPPY! I am so thankful for my life, and I am still the positive person you know. But I don't feel I'd be helping myself (or anyone else reading that is in a similar situation) by leaving out my negative emotions. With all that said, I just want you to know that I HATE FATHER'S DAY.

For the record, I love Father's Day as it relates to my father, because I don't think it's humanly possible to love my father any more than I do (same goes for my mom). I hate Father's Day as it relates to my child. It's around this time of year that I have it shoved in my face that I do not live the "normal" lifestyle, in that Emma doesn't have, or even know her father. Commercial after commercial comes on television, images of the "perfect family" with the father swinging his daughter around in the air, giving his children hugs and kisses, and beautifully decorated cards and presents. They are adorable commercials, and pictures of what I wish Emma had.

I think what makes this time of year most difficult is that it is a constant reminder of Bobby. It reminds me that as much as I made the decision to leave, he didn't really give me much of a choice. He was gone way before I left. As time goes by, I realize that he did that as a favor to me. I don't think he loves me any less than he did before, and I don't think it was ever his intention to hurt me. That doesn't mean it makes it any easier. And it certainly doesn't make me any less angry at him. However, I still miss him pretty much every day. I know that's strange to say about someone who hurt you so badly, but when you know it wasn't their intent, and even worse, that they weren't in control of their own thoughts or actions, you can't really hate them. I can't really explain it, nor do most of of my family and friends understand it. They just hope he moves to Antarctica. I, on the other hand, can still feel his hands on my cheeks; I can see the way he used to look at me when he thought I wasn't watching; I can still hear him singing silly songs to me when I was mad, and daring me not to laugh or smile; I honestly and truly lost my best friend.

I guess what this time of year reminds me is that I still have a lot of healing to do. I've healed enough to put him in a place in my heart where he can't hurt me anymore - and I have to come to terms with the fact that this means we can never be the "family" I see in the commercials. I can love him forever, and I'm pretty confident I will, but I can never trust him again. And there is nothing left for us without trust. So I guess I'm fighting a three-part battle: I have to heal the way I feel about him abandoning Emma, I have to heal the way I feel about him abandoning me, and I have to heal the way I feel about him denying both of us a family. It's a big hurt to heal, and I guess I can thank Father's Day for reminding me that I'm not quite there yet.

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**As a note, I'd like to say that it's GREAT consolation that Emma has my father (and mother!) and my brothers in her life. They provide her with amazing male role models and she would not be the same wonderful, caring, creative, dramatic, wild child that she is without their guidance***

Love or "Love"?

I know I've said this before, but I really had no idea what love was until Emma came along. Sometimes I watch her while she's sleeping, and I wonder how my heart even has the capacity to love something so much. It makes me think about all the people I love in my life, and how my love for them has changed and grown in the past year. It also makes me think about the people I "loved". Note the quotations, because as my understanding of love deepens, I realize that there were people I "loved" that maybe I didn't actually "love."

It brings to mind 1 Corinthians 13:4 - "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. "


I can definitely say that with most of the people that I "loved", my love was kind, but definitely not patient. My love was not boastful or proud, but was usually envious. It was often self-seeking, easily angered, and always kept record of wrongs to be brought up at just the right moment. I can say for sure that my love never delighted in evil, and always rejoiced in the truth. But it's the last line that really gets it. While my love always hoped, it didn't protect, definitely didn't trust, and therefore didn't persevere. 

I finally understand why love always failed me before. I didn't really know how to love. I didn't understand what love really was. It feels great to say that I finally get it! Half of the battle is finding the right person, sure...which will come someday, when I'm ready...but the other half was in my learning how to love, and FOR THE RIGHT REASONS. Not for selfish, boastful reasons. Not because I NEED to have someone around. 

And it only took me 31 years to figure out.

Say What?

Just a quick note:

water = "wa-Vahh"
ribbit = "wivvet"
work = "vuk"
whale = "vaaay"
rain = "nain"

Not only is my daughter a cat, she is apparently German as well.

I'm a Cat

Lately, Emma has taken to making animal sounds when she sees an animal whose "voice" she recognizes. It's mostly cats and dogs, but we also hear the occasional cow and pig (which sounds more like heavy breathing than a snort, but what can we do?) It's funny to see her make the connections between what an animal is, and what it says.

Just this week, she started to make the connection of what the animal does. I'll start out by saying that she is in LOVE with my parents cat, Beece. Love isn't even the right word, actually. She's obsessed with him. She follows him around whenever he's in the house, bends down and gives him kisses and pat-pats, and meows at him. The look of sheer joy is priceless.

The other day, she was in her pool, and she saw him walk over to the fountain in the backyard and start lapping water up from it. Sure enough, a few minutes later, she gets out of the pool, and, very sneakily I might add, tiptoes over to the fountain. She looks around to see who's watching, and bends down to take a drink herself. We, of course, had to stop this, since it is less than sanitary. I took it as a one-time thing and forgot all about it.

Well, yesterday, we were having chicken nuggets for dinner (fancy, I know), and I let her finish the last one in the sunporch/playroom. As I watched, she tore little pieces of the nugget off, and placed them in the back of her little plastic dump truck. She pushed the truck around for a minute, and then something else caught her eye and she moved on. Like an eagle eyeing his pray, Beece slithers into the room and starts chomping up the chicken in the back of the dump truck. Emma sees him and starts laughing hysterically. After he's done and resting comfortably on the couch, she saunters over, bends down over the bed of the dump truck, and pretends to eat out of it, complete with "slurp slurp" sounds. I laughed, and said "Emma! What are you doing?!" And she looks back at me and says "Cat!"

My daughter is a cat.

Single-Single Moms

There are two different kinds of single mothers. There are single mothers who have 2 weekends a month to themselves, and then there are single mothers who are 24/7/365. I happen to fall into the latter group.

I don’t want to sound righteous, but I don’t find that I have a lot in common with the first group of single mothers. I actually haven’t found very many local single mothers that I have anything in common with at all (with the exception of the obvious quality of being unmarried, uncoupled, etc.) The single moms I meet at the park pretty much bitch about their exes and how they’re late to pick up the kids on Friday evenings. One mom asked me, “Does yours show up late all the time?” And I replied, pretty much without thinking, “I’ll say. He still hasn’t shown up to meet her at the hospital.” The look of shock and awe usually tells me that they’ve realized that they aren’t really a single-single mom. 

I am NOT knocking single mothers whose exes are involved. I realize they have their own set of issues in having to deal with the baby-daddies, and that I have (so far) been spared from that. I just get tired of hearing the single moms I am exposed to complain all the time. If they’re not complaining about their exes being late, it’s about child support, or their ex in-laws. Come on, people! You could have it much worse! So you have to deal with the ex? Well, guess what? At least he’s there to complain about!

Okay, enough of my rant. All I’m saying is, I can’t be friends with a lot of the single moms I meet. Part of it is that I don’t have time for friends, so I’m certainly not going to waste my time with someone who is already making me regret starting a conversation. I would love to find another single mom in my situation. I know they exist, but I still haven’t found one. I am the only single-single mother that I know. Maybe I should start a support group. Oh right, I don’t have time….Hmm…I’m starting to realize why I haven’t met any other single-single moms…