All my life, I've been moving. My friends used to joke that I was a gypsy because I moved apartments at least once a year. My parents used to joke that I would end up an interior designer because I was constantly moving the furniture in my room. Even in relationships, I was constantly moving from one person to another. In the past year or so, I have done more moving than even I'm used to. I moved UP to a new position in life: a mommy. I stress the word "up", because it is a step up in life. Anyone who has kids knows exactly what I mean. I moved OUT of the state I'd called home for 16 years; the state I'd come to love after leaving my hometown; the state where my life had taken so many turns and starts and stops. I've moved up, I've moved out, so why is it that I can't seem to move ON?
It's not that I haven't moved on a little...because I definitely have. Moving on seems to be a back and forth process: some days I think I've done it, and other days I realize that I haven't. And there are days like today where emotions are running high for no apparent reason, and I feel like I will never be able to move on. It's nothing I can pinpoint, just a feeling that I get sometimes.
What keeps popping into my head is that I WANT AN APOLOGY. I know it seems petty, and that I should be able to move on without one, but now that he's been sober for almost half a year, I feel like I deserve one. You see, the person that abandoned me and our child is not the same person that proposed to me. They are two different people, and I want an apology from the man who proposed to me. An apology from the BOY who abandoned us would mean nothing. So what do I do? Sit around a wait for one? This is not one of those blogs where I have an answer. It's unanswerable. I may never get an apology, but I don't think I'll ever stop waiting for one. I'll just have to figure out how to move on without one.
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