FML - Fixing My Life

"Don't fix your life so that you are left alone right when you come to the middle of it." 

Let me just go ahead and admit that I'm a fan of the movie "The Object of My Affection." You know, with Jennifer Aniston and Paul Rudd, and he's gay, she's pregnant, and she falls in love with him. The plot is totally not the point of this blog, it's the quote. So back to that...

I've always really liked the quote, and I can say that up to this point, I've done just as the quote warns. I don't know why, it's just something I did. I made a point of NEVER, EVER dating anyone that it might actually work with. Mind you, I didn't think that's what I was doing, but later I always realized this was the case. There have only been 2 men that I can honestly say I loved, with all my heart. One cheated on me with a 17 year old (and ended up marrying her, funny enough), and the other handed me the biggest "F-U" I've ever received in my life by abandoning me and our daughter. Why is it that I only allowed myself to love people that had no problem taking my heart and running it through a shredder?

Now, I've always considered myself a wealth of self-esteem, so I don't think that's the problem. But I think it's more than just the "I like the bad boys" syndrome. Does it all stem from my first love breaking my heart? Is it the fact that my parents are normal, and have been married for 40 years? Did something happen to me when I was younger that I can't remember? The truth is, I don't know the answer, and I probably never will. Grand revelations are great, but they don't always happen.

What I can say is that since Emma has been in my life, my understanding of love has changed dramatically. She makes me want to be a good person for her; she makes me want to make good decisions for her; she makes me want to FIX MY LIFE. So that's what I'm trying to do. I'm taking time to identify what I'm really looking for in a partner, and what is really important to me. I'm trying to be a better friend, daughter, mother, and person. I'm repairing my broken relationship with God, and forgiving myself for things that I've done in the past. If I'm still in the same boat after I fix these things, well, then maybe it was meant to be just Emma and me. But all I know is that had I continued on the same path, I would've ended up alone for sure.

Emma's Top 10

Some of my friends with younger babes have been asking about Emma's favorite toys. So I thought, why not dedicate my next blog to this subject? Now, I just want to make it clear that I have not included scraps of paper or leaves on this list, even though those are some of her favorite things. I have also not included imaginary objects, which she has taken to playing with lately as well. So, all that said, here are a few of Emma's favorite things:

1. Munchkin Foam Bath Learning Pack (http://tinyurl.com/Emmafirstfavorite)
You laugh, but I think she's up to saying 30 words now, and she can point to all of the tiles and tell you what they are. Also, she likes to stick them to her body and laugh hilariously. See? Serves two purposes.


2. Haba Walker Wagon (http://www.amazon.com/Haba-1646-Walker-Wagon/dp/B0002HYDPY)
Also lovingly called the "Push Push", this thing has provided countless minutes of alone time. She'll take anything from her baby doll to an empty paper towel roll for a ride in her Walker Wagon. Plus, it's just amazingly well made and beautiful. Note to buyers, though, might want to buy some rubber for the front of it, because it leaves marks on walls!

3. Cozy Coupe (http://www.littletikes.com/toys/little-tikes-cozy-coupe.aspx)
Emma loves her Cozy Coupe (aka Crazy Coupe). While her attention span is very short, you can usually get a few laps out of her before she tires of it and moves to something else. What's great about this car is that it's been around forever, but they've made cool adjustments. For example, since smaller kids don't have "Flintstone feet" yet, they included a removable bottom to the car. A-maze-ing!

4. Elmo Toothbrush (http://www.crest.com/crest-products/elmo-and-friends-toothbrush.aspx)
A toothbrush? Seriously? Yes, seriously. She will sit on the counter in the bathroom while I'm getting ready and pretend to brush her teeth. She's got it, right down to the "shhshha-shhshha-shhshha" sound as she pretends to brush. One caution, hide it with newly-walking kids. Save yourself the neverending jumps in your stomach as she almost impails herself with it for the tenth time.

5. Parrum Pum Pum Drum Set (http://tinyurl.com/Emmafifthfavorite)
 This drum set is FABULOUS! It comes with five or six separate instruments, all baby friendly. Emma loves shaking the egg shakers, and she carries one of the guys around with her all the time. Even though it's percussion, it's a nice sound, and she looks darn cute!


6. Sassy Touch and Talk Laptop (http://www.amazon.com/Sassy-Touch-and-Talk-Laptop/dp/B002J4U8OI) Thought it was cheesy when I first saw it, but I fell in love with it. Before Emma could push the buttons, I used to sit her in front of it and play all the animal sounds! She loves it - "Black Cat, can I pat? MEOW!" There's also a mirror, which, for all of us with babies, know is important. It also teaches colors in Spanish, and also plays musical notes.


7. The Princessmobile (http://www.target.com/Disney-Princess-Ride-On-Toy/dp/B000EX0DFA)
I know, I know. Disney Princesses? I wasn't the biggest fan of this when it was handed down to Emma, but she really, really likes it. She loves storing all her treasures underneath the seat, and she loves pushing it. Does she actually ride on it? Well, no. But maybe someday.


8. Drachenland Blocks (http://www.gwillikerstoys.com/xcart/Drachenland.html)
So, this is really a stacking puzzle, but take away the pointy stick part of the toy, and it becomes blocks! They are colorful, some of them have jewels embedded, and they are small enough for a baby's hands, but big enough not to choke on. Well, most of them. I had to take a few of the blocks away and hide them for later, but she didn't miss them.


9. P'kolino Silly Seating - Pippa (http://www.pkolino.com/Silly-Seating-Blue-p/pkffpipa.htm) -
Emma loves chairs. Anything she can sit on and be a "big girl". But in particular, this one takes the cake. It looks silly, but is truly awesome.  The chair is like a puzzle, which was appealing to me. She constantly tears it down, and then sits on the bottom part, kicking her legs on the floor.


10. Grouchy Ladybug Stroller Toy (http://www.toysrus.com/product/index.jsp?productId=3643624)
This is "bug bug". He's the only reason Emma knows what a ladybug is. "Bug bug" came everywhere with us for quite some time. Now, he always comes to the park so that he can be dropped from the swings, the slide, the jungle gym, etc. He was a joy to have in the car as well, and great for teething.


So there's the Top 10. There are so many favorites that I could've expanded the list to at least 20, but I'll save them for later. Hope you enjoyed the list!

Dating

It's funny what people will ask you when you're a self-professed "open book." Every once in a while, you get a question that makes you stop and think....and think....and think...and think. It's not an uncommon occurrence for people to ask me when I'm going to start dating again. I always give the same answer, "Not yet." (Mind you, there is usually a joke thrown in there. We are talking about me, after all.) However, I recently got the question I didn't expect. This question was "Why don't you want to date?" On the surface, it's an easy answer. There just aren't enough hours in the day. I'm a single, working mother, and all my free time is devoted to my daughter. But as I lay awake this morning in the dawn hours, I thought, "Well, that's part of it, but that's not all of it."

So I'm going to give you the honest answer here to what the other part is. There's no joke to go along with this one...which is funny, because this would be the place I would generally throw one in. I hate exposing my sad emotions, but I've also learned that if I don't, I'll never grow and open myself to new experiences. So....the other reason I don't want to date yet is because....I'm not ready. I've been so busy thinking about other things that I never stopped to take a look at just how hard of a beating my heart took. It was so easy to be angry and spiteful, instead of acknowledging the feelings that I had, and still have, for Emma's father. Maybe it would be easier to hate him if I didn't love him so much. He and I shared something that I've never felt for anyone else....ever. And having that blow up in your face, whether it was due to a psychological condition or not, really hurts. It was more than just a broken heart, it broke all of me. Now that he's getting better (maybe, hopefully), I realize I have to come to terms with my emotions, so that I can be strong for my daughter, and strong for myself when it comes to him, or any other man that enters our lives.

I've definitely started to realize that my feelings for him will never go away, but I will never act on them again. There's too much at stake, and honestly, I don't think I could or want to recover from something like that ever again. So, until my little bruised heart is ready to take a chance on someone again, it's closed for business. This will be a good experience for me. It's been a long time since I've concentrated on something other than a romantic relationship. I already feel myself starting to understand what it is that I really want in a partner, and honestly, that's a first. So, Mr. Right, if you're reading this, you'll have to wait a little longer. But don't worry, I'm worth it.

These Shoes Were Made for Walking

I waited for this day for so long. I think I even obsessed about it a little. "This day" being when Emma would transition from a crab-crawling baby to a peg-leg toddler. When she started taking brave little steps around 10 months, I thought, "Hmm. This seems a little early for walking." I was right. After taking anywhere from 2 to 20 steps on her own, she decided she still wanted to be carried everywhere. And why shouldn't she? I think most of us would like to be carried every now and then.

And then came last Friday. I'd come home from work early because I had to attend an event during the evening and wanted to see Emma for a little while. I was in my parents backyard, and I nonchalantly placed her on the grass and said, "Go over and see the flowers!". She looked up at me, looked over at the flowers, and walked right over to them (like she was just waiting for someone to ask her to do it!) She didn't stop there. She just kept going! Every so often, the wind would knock her over, and she would fall forward on her hands, giggle, and push herself back up. This is the same kid who used to scream and howl when she barely bumped into something. What happened to my baby?!?!

Watching her take this momentous step just reminds me to cherish every moment of her. Time is going by so fast, and so many times I find myself taking these moments for granted. People kept telling me "Don't blink," and I thought "How cliche!" But they were right...don't blink, because it seems like yesterday I was wondering what the first kick was going to feel like. And now she's walking...

Family Comes First

Becoming a mother changed me in so many ways. I think the way it changed me most of all is that it completely rearranged my priorities. Looking back to before Emma was born, I feel like I took my family for granted. I just expected them to be there when I needed them, even if I wasn't necessarily going to do the same for them. I undervalued one of my most valued possessions - the love of my family. Since Emma came along, I have never felt closer to each member of my family, especially my mom and dad. It has completely redefined my relationships with them, and I don't feel like I take them for granted anymore.

Having come to this realization, it now makes me angry to see people taking their own family for granted. I feel like I want to shake them and make them realize what they're giving up so they don't make the same mistake I did for so long. Now, I realize that some families have problems. Some families have major problems. Some are reparable, some are not. For the families whose problems are fixable, it always seems to be that either one or both sides are unwilling to take steps to fix the problem. I encountered a situation recently where an acquaintance of mine bashed her family repeatedly to anyone who would listen, and then turned around and asked them for money when she was in a financial pinch. Now how is that working toward solving the problem? You only like them when you need them?

Speaking from experience here, there is no greater mistake than ignoring the love of your family. So take a look around and ask yourself if the reasons you are ignoring their love are really worth it. If your friends are egging you on in the alienation, or even condoning it, ask yourself if that's really what a friend should do. If you like them only when you need them, ask yourself what kind of person that makes you. If the problems in yours are not fixable, create a new family. But if they are, take the steps to fix it, because you won't regret it. You never know what life will throw at you, and your family can end up being your greatest resource. Imagine what your life would look like if they weren't there anymore. If that thought scares you, maybe it's time to make a phone call. You are only given one family; don't take that for granted.